Trying to impress LJ. This is not the post that I originally planned to write. I was planning to write about my college work study experience. So, why am I writing about LJ again?
Why this post?
First, who was LJ? LJ was my high school band director. If you search my posts you’ll find his name popping up repeatedly.
He died over 20 years ago. I’m currently 10 years older than he was at his death. He and I were not friends. We didn’t hang out together. I spent most of our time together calling him, Mr. Hancock and not LJ.
And yet… last night he was in my dreams. We were talking about some kids missing rehearsal for some reason or another.
Why does this man continue to haunt me?
Idol
I hate the word, “idol”. God tells us not to have anyone or anything before Him. But… I idolized LJ. He was strong and focused. No one told him what to do. He told THEM what to do. When LJ set out to do something, (like winning Nationals), he did it. He was intense.
I was a kid who had been teased and made fun of. I loved LJ.
No, that’s inaccurate. I wanted to BE LJ!
I went to James Madison University (JMU) so that I could Be him. Marching band was my passion because that was LJ’s passion. I took bands to Nationals in a quest to mimic his success.
I burned with a desire to have him say, “Good job!”
If you are a Christian, you probably picked up something in that last sentence. Jesus tells a story in which God tells one group of people, “Well done my good and faithful servant.”. That’s exactly what I wanted from LJ.
Looking for praise
Jesus said that the good and faithful servants were the ones that used what had been given to them with positive results. They grew from where they started.
Each was given something to work with. They weren’t expected to reach the same level. They were expected to grow their skills and abilities and not bury them in doubts and fears.
I looked for praise in the wrong places. And, that search was fruitless. LJ, like most powerful and successful men, was a tough taskmaster. He couldn’t and didn’t tell you that you were doing a good job. Why? Because he believed that you could always do better.
But, like the story of Sisyphus. No matter how hard I worked, I was never going to make it to the summit of, “well done, Eric!”. That boulder always rolled back on Monday morning and I was back at it again.
Final thoughts
I’m not saying that LJ was a bad guy. He was a typical type A, success driven guy. He knew what he wanted and he worked hard to get it. Looking back, I can see at least one time where he was trying to praise my work, but it just wasn’t in his DNA to say, “Good job”.
That high standard and desire to “Be” LJ has haunted me my entire life. And, I fear that I have passed that impossible standard along to my children and students.
That thought haunts me.