My wife and I celebrated 31 years of marriage last week. When we tell people how long we’ve been married they frequently ask, “What’s the secret?”. So, I thought I’d write a post with some ideas. Spoiler alert, it’s not necessarily just one thing.
Commitment
I’m going to start with the word, ‘commitment’. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines commitment as “an agreement or pledge to do something in the future”. You have to go into marriage agreeing and pledging that you will stay together. Ask yourself, do you want to stay together with this person?
Divorce is ubiquitous in our current world. There’s no stigma associated with being divorced. When someone hears that you are getting a divorce, they might have an initial shock, but then they say, “That’s another one” and on they go.
So, again I ask, “Do you want to stay together?” Or are you just going to ‘give it a try’?
Being uncomfortable
I love being comfortable. And, I love peace and quiet. But, what if my spouse does something that makes me uncomfortable? What if they make me angry?
If you’re not married, I have some bad news for you. Everything I just mentioned will be part of your marriage.
You have married another person and they are not like you. Are you willing to work through those differences, or will you bail out when things become uncomfortable?
Winning
I love winning! Who doesn’t? But, if you take that attitude into a relationship, you will be in big trouble.
Once you open that competitive door, you’re in trouble. Yes, you’ll probably start with big things, but you’ll eventually descend into the mundane. The next thing you know you’ll be trying to win a ‘conversation’ regarding how the silverware should go in the drawer.
So, take a moment and decide whether you really need to win every confrontation. What if no one needs to be right? To paraphrase an old quote, “It’s amazing how much peace you can have in your household if you don’t worry about having to win, or be right all of the time.”.
It takes two to tango
The old saying is correct, “It takes two to tango”. You must be married to someone who shares your same philosophy toward marriage. Otherwise, you may be doing everything ‘right’ and still end up divorced.
When you’re married, you’re teamed up and connected with the other person. The Bible talks about not being “unequally yoked“.
Ok, I know we don’t want to see ourselves as work animals. But, both images are accurate when it comes to marriage.
Marriage is work. You both have to agree on a direction and pull that direction. You can pull against the other person for a while, but at some point you will exhaust yourself and your marriage won’t go anywhere.
But, when you are moving together, you will sense that feeling of being in an elegant dance. You’ll begin to feel what your partner needs and what direction they want to go in. And, you’ll willingly move with them.
Not easy
How do you find a likeminded person who sees marriage as a lifetime commitment? Here are some suggestions for you.
- If you are a Christian, go to and volunteer at your church. Spend quality and quantity time there.
- Avoid dating apps. I have yet to find anyone who did well using those apps.
- Avoid having sex before marriage. The passion of sex clouds your thinking. You think you have met someone who will be with you forever. But, maybe they just like to use your body for their own desires.
- Avoid living together. This connects to what I just suggested. It’s possible that you are living together without having sex, but it isn’t probable. And, when you live together you are basically married without the commitment. This makes breaking up fast and easy. Why not just get married? Maybe you’re giving yourself an easy exit plan?
- Don’t pressure yourself. If the person you’re dating doesn’t seem like a good ‘fit’ for you, stop dating them and move on. Don’t allow yourself to fall into the “I’m getting older and I’ll need to settle for this person” mentality.
- Be picky, but reasonable. Don’t settle, but also don’t have a checklist for the perfect mate. You’re not perfect. No one else is either.
Summing up
These are just some ideas that have been going through my head this last week. Certainly there are more ingredients in a successful marriage, but this is what occured to me this morning. I hope something that I’ve said encourages you.
If you’ve been in a longterm marriage and have a suggestion, please put your idea in the comments. I’d love to hear what you have to say!